as I approach "family life"

What you may not know is...
JJ and I are planning on having a child in the next year or two.

crazy right?

I was always against having a child, mostly because I was scared.
I was terrified of my genetics. And still believed something was wrong with me. Often I still do, but for very different reasons.

Maybe my brain works differently, maybe I see differently but..

I came across a post from someone who just had a baby, and she said "blah blah blah, we are the perfect little family."

excuse me?
what makes you perfect. (not to get into nitty gritty details, but behind the scenes of that "family" is scarier than... jj's bed head!)

But seriously, perfect?
Why? Because there is a mommy, a daddy, and a baby? If that is the formula to a "happy" family, there would be a lot more happy families. I know two happy families, of equal happiness. One is a single mother and her daughter. And the other is a mom, dad, and son. Both have that something, and it's amazing.

I grew up with the idea that I was somehow flawed. Because I did not have a mother around. My dad even bought into that bullshit, and tried to get me a step mom. Which did a lot more harm than good to the both of us. The thing I can't get over is the year dad had me, here in Va, our first year in Staunton. I was the happiest girl in the world. Nothing bothered me. I didn't care if I had the best clothes, or ate at fancy restaurants, or had the best toys. Nothing mattered, I just wanted to be home with my dad. We set up race tracks, and held car races around the living room. Or he'd set up his train track and we'd watch it go around and around. On halloween that year I dressed up like a witch, and he dressed up as my "mom". It was a sight! and everyone loved it, and I loved giving him hell about it. If I could bottle that year and save it forever, or use it to add salt to my life I totally would.

There is something to be said about just hanging out with your kid. I never got in trouble that year, I was never grounded, and I didn't question my father. I was so content with myself, that I didn't even feel the need or want to spend my allowance. So I saved all of it. And when we moved dad found something like $250 stashed in my piggy bank. I played with a balloon on a stick. And my favorite thing to eat with my dad was Koolaid and beans and franks with mac and cheese! Dad's favorite was fish sticks. And if it was a really special night, he'd make stir fry. Sometimes, we even had food fights. And I loved his car. He had a 1978 (?) chevy malibu, with shiny rims, and a busted up inside. Every time I touched the lining of his car, it would crumble in my fingers. I was so little that I had to sit in the floor boards of the car to crank the window down. I listened to cassette tapes dad had giving me when he first got custody of me. And I'd stay up really late on weekends to watch tv with him. But always fall asleep early anyway. I use to lay my head on his tummy and watch scooby doo. And every time he'd laugh it would be like a damn earth quake and my head would bounce around.

But dad got lonely. And raising me was too hard so he got a girlfriend who agreed to move in with him. Which was hard, especially here, because nobody wants to raise a kid that isn't their own. And on top of that, I had baggage. He warned women about my mother, and how I still have shown signs of grieving. etc etc. Just so they were aware. But these women would take it to measures I still can't believe.

That's how I learned I was flawed. And it took me 12 years to come out of it. Only 6 years to disagree with it. But it took longer to actually feel comfortable in my own skin. Not to say that the terror doesn't come back, because it does. Especially when someone tries to through the idea of "perfection" in my face. Your idea of perfection is flawed. Because if it was perfect, you wouldn't be gloating about it so much. You'd be too busy enjoying it. And you probably wouldn't even notice how perfect it is, because it is that easy.

To say that my life was less than perfect because it doesn't meet the standards to your idea of perfection is ignorant.

Also, relating to that post again. The day she finds out her so-called perfect husband cheated, and still tells people he is unhappy, is the moment she will have to eat her words. poof "perfect family"
unless of course, she already knows and then, awesome, way to ignore the pink elephant in the room.

One of my best friends told me I would probably have to be a single mother for me to function. She didn't say it to be mean, she said it to be frank. "Family" in a sense is not something that is too familiar or comfortable with me. It might be some form of twisted psychology, childhood trauma or what have you. But I had to entertain the idea. Which made me think of that time with my dad. Maybe im selfish, and just wanted my dad to myself. But then again, I would always try to hook it up with the cashiers in stores. And even now, I wish my dad would find someone to spend his life with.

My hopes with having a kid, which is something I have completely separated from the idea of marriage as well, is to have the child as an equal part to both of our lives. So the child isn't separate from the parents. If that makes since. Remember that happy family of three I pointed out earlier. They do that. It's pretty obvious they love each other as a couple, but it is exemplified through their love for their kid. But not in a way like "look what we made" but more so in a "isn't this kid the coolest kid ever" and not because "we made him" but because "he is just an awesome human being".

this isn't going to come full circle bc I am tired. But I don't want my kid to feel like the third wheel. I want him/her to be ok with being a lone. To be strong and brave without mommy or daddy standing behind them. I want them to feel safe and heard by both parents. I want them to understand different things, and accept people. I want him/her to be treated like a little person, not a child. Not someone that everyone should teach or preach to, but someone everyone wants to learn from, see or hear from. My child isn't going to be a prototype of jj or myself. He/she is going to be a completely unique creation, and I will just be the carrier.

and most importantly, I want my child to know he/she is not flawed. Not even a little. No matter what happens. No illness, no situation. Not even if his parents where to ever split up. Would he be flawed by the experience. I want him/her to understand how to learn from it. And I want to be able to show him/her how to continue to keep love and peace in a difficult time. How to accept and move on. And how to keep you head high, and not loose your balance. How to carry the weight of the world without falling to your knees. I want to teach my child the type of understanding I had to learn, that way no matter what happens in his/her lifetime. She/He will be ready and able to deal with it. And I want him/her to know. He/She was my definite motivation.