http://www.care4teachers.org/the-care-retreat/
http://1440.org/who-we-support/calm-teachers/
http://uvacontemplation.org/
Sunday, November 10, 2013
Monday, November 4, 2013
as I approach "family life"
What you may not know is...
JJ and I are planning on having a child in the next year or two.
crazy right?
I was always against having a child, mostly because I was scared.
I was terrified of my genetics. And still believed something was wrong with me. Often I still do, but for very different reasons.
Maybe my brain works differently, maybe I see differently but..
I came across a post from someone who just had a baby, and she said "blah blah blah, we are the perfect little family."
excuse me?
what makes you perfect. (not to get into nitty gritty details, but behind the scenes of that "family" is scarier than... jj's bed head!)
But seriously, perfect?
Why? Because there is a mommy, a daddy, and a baby? If that is the formula to a "happy" family, there would be a lot more happy families. I know two happy families, of equal happiness. One is a single mother and her daughter. And the other is a mom, dad, and son. Both have that something, and it's amazing.
I grew up with the idea that I was somehow flawed. Because I did not have a mother around. My dad even bought into that bullshit, and tried to get me a step mom. Which did a lot more harm than good to the both of us. The thing I can't get over is the year dad had me, here in Va, our first year in Staunton. I was the happiest girl in the world. Nothing bothered me. I didn't care if I had the best clothes, or ate at fancy restaurants, or had the best toys. Nothing mattered, I just wanted to be home with my dad. We set up race tracks, and held car races around the living room. Or he'd set up his train track and we'd watch it go around and around. On halloween that year I dressed up like a witch, and he dressed up as my "mom". It was a sight! and everyone loved it, and I loved giving him hell about it. If I could bottle that year and save it forever, or use it to add salt to my life I totally would.
There is something to be said about just hanging out with your kid. I never got in trouble that year, I was never grounded, and I didn't question my father. I was so content with myself, that I didn't even feel the need or want to spend my allowance. So I saved all of it. And when we moved dad found something like $250 stashed in my piggy bank. I played with a balloon on a stick. And my favorite thing to eat with my dad was Koolaid and beans and franks with mac and cheese! Dad's favorite was fish sticks. And if it was a really special night, he'd make stir fry. Sometimes, we even had food fights. And I loved his car. He had a 1978 (?) chevy malibu, with shiny rims, and a busted up inside. Every time I touched the lining of his car, it would crumble in my fingers. I was so little that I had to sit in the floor boards of the car to crank the window down. I listened to cassette tapes dad had giving me when he first got custody of me. And I'd stay up really late on weekends to watch tv with him. But always fall asleep early anyway. I use to lay my head on his tummy and watch scooby doo. And every time he'd laugh it would be like a damn earth quake and my head would bounce around.
But dad got lonely. And raising me was too hard so he got a girlfriend who agreed to move in with him. Which was hard, especially here, because nobody wants to raise a kid that isn't their own. And on top of that, I had baggage. He warned women about my mother, and how I still have shown signs of grieving. etc etc. Just so they were aware. But these women would take it to measures I still can't believe.
That's how I learned I was flawed. And it took me 12 years to come out of it. Only 6 years to disagree with it. But it took longer to actually feel comfortable in my own skin. Not to say that the terror doesn't come back, because it does. Especially when someone tries to through the idea of "perfection" in my face. Your idea of perfection is flawed. Because if it was perfect, you wouldn't be gloating about it so much. You'd be too busy enjoying it. And you probably wouldn't even notice how perfect it is, because it is that easy.
To say that my life was less than perfect because it doesn't meet the standards to your idea of perfection is ignorant.
Also, relating to that post again. The day she finds out her so-called perfect husband cheated, and still tells people he is unhappy, is the moment she will have to eat her words. poof "perfect family"
unless of course, she already knows and then, awesome, way to ignore the pink elephant in the room.
One of my best friends told me I would probably have to be a single mother for me to function. She didn't say it to be mean, she said it to be frank. "Family" in a sense is not something that is too familiar or comfortable with me. It might be some form of twisted psychology, childhood trauma or what have you. But I had to entertain the idea. Which made me think of that time with my dad. Maybe im selfish, and just wanted my dad to myself. But then again, I would always try to hook it up with the cashiers in stores. And even now, I wish my dad would find someone to spend his life with.
My hopes with having a kid, which is something I have completely separated from the idea of marriage as well, is to have the child as an equal part to both of our lives. So the child isn't separate from the parents. If that makes since. Remember that happy family of three I pointed out earlier. They do that. It's pretty obvious they love each other as a couple, but it is exemplified through their love for their kid. But not in a way like "look what we made" but more so in a "isn't this kid the coolest kid ever" and not because "we made him" but because "he is just an awesome human being".
this isn't going to come full circle bc I am tired. But I don't want my kid to feel like the third wheel. I want him/her to be ok with being a lone. To be strong and brave without mommy or daddy standing behind them. I want them to feel safe and heard by both parents. I want them to understand different things, and accept people. I want him/her to be treated like a little person, not a child. Not someone that everyone should teach or preach to, but someone everyone wants to learn from, see or hear from. My child isn't going to be a prototype of jj or myself. He/she is going to be a completely unique creation, and I will just be the carrier.
and most importantly, I want my child to know he/she is not flawed. Not even a little. No matter what happens. No illness, no situation. Not even if his parents where to ever split up. Would he be flawed by the experience. I want him/her to understand how to learn from it. And I want to be able to show him/her how to continue to keep love and peace in a difficult time. How to accept and move on. And how to keep you head high, and not loose your balance. How to carry the weight of the world without falling to your knees. I want to teach my child the type of understanding I had to learn, that way no matter what happens in his/her lifetime. She/He will be ready and able to deal with it. And I want him/her to know. He/She was my definite motivation.
JJ and I are planning on having a child in the next year or two.
crazy right?
I was always against having a child, mostly because I was scared.
I was terrified of my genetics. And still believed something was wrong with me. Often I still do, but for very different reasons.
Maybe my brain works differently, maybe I see differently but..
I came across a post from someone who just had a baby, and she said "blah blah blah, we are the perfect little family."
excuse me?
what makes you perfect. (not to get into nitty gritty details, but behind the scenes of that "family" is scarier than... jj's bed head!)
But seriously, perfect?
Why? Because there is a mommy, a daddy, and a baby? If that is the formula to a "happy" family, there would be a lot more happy families. I know two happy families, of equal happiness. One is a single mother and her daughter. And the other is a mom, dad, and son. Both have that something, and it's amazing.
I grew up with the idea that I was somehow flawed. Because I did not have a mother around. My dad even bought into that bullshit, and tried to get me a step mom. Which did a lot more harm than good to the both of us. The thing I can't get over is the year dad had me, here in Va, our first year in Staunton. I was the happiest girl in the world. Nothing bothered me. I didn't care if I had the best clothes, or ate at fancy restaurants, or had the best toys. Nothing mattered, I just wanted to be home with my dad. We set up race tracks, and held car races around the living room. Or he'd set up his train track and we'd watch it go around and around. On halloween that year I dressed up like a witch, and he dressed up as my "mom". It was a sight! and everyone loved it, and I loved giving him hell about it. If I could bottle that year and save it forever, or use it to add salt to my life I totally would.
There is something to be said about just hanging out with your kid. I never got in trouble that year, I was never grounded, and I didn't question my father. I was so content with myself, that I didn't even feel the need or want to spend my allowance. So I saved all of it. And when we moved dad found something like $250 stashed in my piggy bank. I played with a balloon on a stick. And my favorite thing to eat with my dad was Koolaid and beans and franks with mac and cheese! Dad's favorite was fish sticks. And if it was a really special night, he'd make stir fry. Sometimes, we even had food fights. And I loved his car. He had a 1978 (?) chevy malibu, with shiny rims, and a busted up inside. Every time I touched the lining of his car, it would crumble in my fingers. I was so little that I had to sit in the floor boards of the car to crank the window down. I listened to cassette tapes dad had giving me when he first got custody of me. And I'd stay up really late on weekends to watch tv with him. But always fall asleep early anyway. I use to lay my head on his tummy and watch scooby doo. And every time he'd laugh it would be like a damn earth quake and my head would bounce around.
But dad got lonely. And raising me was too hard so he got a girlfriend who agreed to move in with him. Which was hard, especially here, because nobody wants to raise a kid that isn't their own. And on top of that, I had baggage. He warned women about my mother, and how I still have shown signs of grieving. etc etc. Just so they were aware. But these women would take it to measures I still can't believe.
That's how I learned I was flawed. And it took me 12 years to come out of it. Only 6 years to disagree with it. But it took longer to actually feel comfortable in my own skin. Not to say that the terror doesn't come back, because it does. Especially when someone tries to through the idea of "perfection" in my face. Your idea of perfection is flawed. Because if it was perfect, you wouldn't be gloating about it so much. You'd be too busy enjoying it. And you probably wouldn't even notice how perfect it is, because it is that easy.
To say that my life was less than perfect because it doesn't meet the standards to your idea of perfection is ignorant.
Also, relating to that post again. The day she finds out her so-called perfect husband cheated, and still tells people he is unhappy, is the moment she will have to eat her words. poof "perfect family"
unless of course, she already knows and then, awesome, way to ignore the pink elephant in the room.
One of my best friends told me I would probably have to be a single mother for me to function. She didn't say it to be mean, she said it to be frank. "Family" in a sense is not something that is too familiar or comfortable with me. It might be some form of twisted psychology, childhood trauma or what have you. But I had to entertain the idea. Which made me think of that time with my dad. Maybe im selfish, and just wanted my dad to myself. But then again, I would always try to hook it up with the cashiers in stores. And even now, I wish my dad would find someone to spend his life with.
My hopes with having a kid, which is something I have completely separated from the idea of marriage as well, is to have the child as an equal part to both of our lives. So the child isn't separate from the parents. If that makes since. Remember that happy family of three I pointed out earlier. They do that. It's pretty obvious they love each other as a couple, but it is exemplified through their love for their kid. But not in a way like "look what we made" but more so in a "isn't this kid the coolest kid ever" and not because "we made him" but because "he is just an awesome human being".
this isn't going to come full circle bc I am tired. But I don't want my kid to feel like the third wheel. I want him/her to be ok with being a lone. To be strong and brave without mommy or daddy standing behind them. I want them to feel safe and heard by both parents. I want them to understand different things, and accept people. I want him/her to be treated like a little person, not a child. Not someone that everyone should teach or preach to, but someone everyone wants to learn from, see or hear from. My child isn't going to be a prototype of jj or myself. He/she is going to be a completely unique creation, and I will just be the carrier.
and most importantly, I want my child to know he/she is not flawed. Not even a little. No matter what happens. No illness, no situation. Not even if his parents where to ever split up. Would he be flawed by the experience. I want him/her to understand how to learn from it. And I want to be able to show him/her how to continue to keep love and peace in a difficult time. How to accept and move on. And how to keep you head high, and not loose your balance. How to carry the weight of the world without falling to your knees. I want to teach my child the type of understanding I had to learn, that way no matter what happens in his/her lifetime. She/He will be ready and able to deal with it. And I want him/her to know. He/She was my definite motivation.
Saturday, November 2, 2013
my job is
just like yours except add 15 children
seriously.
Think about your job, your responsibilities, and now
add 15 children
that is teaching
We have to record keeping, observational notes, daily notes, lesson plans, research, communication to parents and supervisors, inventory, and classroom organization. Which alone is a full time job
now add 15 children
And their daily needs. We feed them, dress them, change them, help them potty, keep them entertained, track their progress, monitor their behavior, engage them in developmental appropriate play, and wipe their noses. (actually we have to clean up more than that but you know)
oh and
we have to teach them a full curriculum
people don't think about that
Take my boyfriend (Ill rag on him because he loves me)
He essentially is systems maintenance for payroll. Computer tech, systems management and error resolution.
Is complicated. I watch him run tests occasionally, and If that was my job I'd stab my eyes out.
But you know. He punches in a few commands, analyses the results, punches in a few more. sets us a system check and lets it run while he scrolls through the recent reddit feed.
His data entry is a little more complicated than a child assessment. But at least he can do it in peace. (minus his office mate cracking jokes, and the occasional email from his boss) Imagine if he had to do that job, but instead of sitting on reddit while his test runs the course, he has to tend to the needs of 15 children. AND then the developmental advancements any of the children make in that time, RESET THE DAMN TEST. (I'll finish an assessment *which takes an hour to do* then the next day that kid does something astonishing and makes me change his assessment!)
my job
seriously.
Think about your job, your responsibilities, and now
add 15 children
that is teaching
We have to record keeping, observational notes, daily notes, lesson plans, research, communication to parents and supervisors, inventory, and classroom organization. Which alone is a full time job
now add 15 children
And their daily needs. We feed them, dress them, change them, help them potty, keep them entertained, track their progress, monitor their behavior, engage them in developmental appropriate play, and wipe their noses. (actually we have to clean up more than that but you know)
oh and
we have to teach them a full curriculum
people don't think about that
Take my boyfriend (Ill rag on him because he loves me)
He essentially is systems maintenance for payroll. Computer tech, systems management and error resolution.
Is complicated. I watch him run tests occasionally, and If that was my job I'd stab my eyes out.
But you know. He punches in a few commands, analyses the results, punches in a few more. sets us a system check and lets it run while he scrolls through the recent reddit feed.
His data entry is a little more complicated than a child assessment. But at least he can do it in peace. (minus his office mate cracking jokes, and the occasional email from his boss) Imagine if he had to do that job, but instead of sitting on reddit while his test runs the course, he has to tend to the needs of 15 children. AND then the developmental advancements any of the children make in that time, RESET THE DAMN TEST. (I'll finish an assessment *which takes an hour to do* then the next day that kid does something astonishing and makes me change his assessment!)
my job
Diversity
Occasionally I will get caught up in a discussion that makes someone raise an eyebrow to my response, or someone finds a modeling pic of mine, or someone friends me on Facebook. And a brief stint comes up and typically gets squashed. So I guess that is a step forward in maturity for me, and a step forward in acceptance for everyone else.
Also I feel like the world is becoming more accepting of their differences, and I feel like it is the best thing ever. And what better place to start than with children?
I just re-read my first post, which is now a very faint memory. But I can still feel the anger and the hurt from that time. I will never understand some fears people have.
I do understand how people can group people into sections based on appearance. If you look like a punk, you must act like a punk in the most extreme way. Yes there are kids with mohawks to get drunk, run around, and fuck shit up. Yes. I know
Yes they get a lot of attention
But what about that chick with a mohawk who has a dream to become president.
I've learned to play the damn game. looking "normal" opens more doors and helps prevent a lot of hurt and fights. People are not instantly defensive around me as much any more.
I am willing to bet most "punks" have a higher IQ on average than all "normal" looking people combined.
You don't become eccentric by chance. You don't question your own existence for fun
You do it because your own existence becomes unbelievable
You find out someday that you no longer feel pain
So you jab needles through every part of loose skin on your body just to "make sure"
And in modern times you don't just jab the needles through and call it done. You stick a ring in it to remind yourself of it.
I know I wasn't the only teen to do that.
And I won't be the last
And you want to know something. Someone like me, or some of my friends. Have come in contact with some of the most bizarre people on this earth. We've had to cope with the absolute truth of life, the concept that your parents are human, the illusions that exist around "the american dream" our whole lives. No wonder we have a different presence, understanding, awareness, and opinion than others. Our experiences shape us.
They make us stronger, but sorry some of us have more scars than others.
But doesn't ANYONE in this world think that maybe, this is all a good thing. This is good for advancements in psychology, sociology, etc.
And Don't you think people like us would really understand kids too?
If the bulk of our trauma happened at an early age. Don't you think a part of our brain is frozen in it?
Yes. I believe so
This is an idea I want to study more. And try to get more information on. But I know I do it. I know I listen to children differently. I also know I am one of the few people that has vivid memories of being a child. VIVID. I mean I can remember details. I can remember feelings. from age 3 on. I even have one memory burned into my subconscious, of my dad leaving when I was 2. It became an ongoing lucid dream that I would have over and over and over every night until he finally came back at age 6.
I remember watching mars attacks with one of my baby sitters, while we hung upside down off the couch. age 3-4.
I am now working with that exact age group. And I know how desperately they are trying to communicate. And how curious they are. And how random they will act. I was the child that decided sliding down an unfinished wood slide would be so fun. Until I got to the bottom and had massive splinters down both legs and up both arms.
why? BECAUSE I WAS 3-4 DAMMIT
ok I think I will end this rant, but I don't like being pushed aside for being "different" because we are all different. Some are just accepted.
People don't use sense when they judge me.
Omg you have a picture of FB of you as a vampire. what would my kid think? DON'T SHOW YOUR KID IF IT BOTHERS YOU. I am not going to go to school like that. But you know, even if I did your kid will accept it before you do. Kids don't have a built in meter like adults do. they don't think "freaks" or "scary" they are just curious. they just want to know why. "Why are your teeth so big?" and its us who tell them. "The better to eat you with!"
honestly we could learn a lot more from kids than they can learn from us
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