Child psychology, and the effects abuse can have on a child's mental well-being, is a delicate subject. Psychology on any level is hard to define, determine, evaluate, anything. Mostly because people would rather find something to blame their short comings on, than work harder to have a better life. Why work when you can make excuses, and get sympathy from society, who in turn hands your life on the silver spoon you were born to expect in life? (Some of my non-existent readers will probably scoff and exit this post right about now...)
As for the rest of you imaginary readers. read on.
This story is a prime example of invented trauma in a young mans life, directly tied to Early Childhood development AND actual trauma unrelated to "child abuse" in the terms that we know it by.
I met this young man three years ago. He had just turned 23, and was a part of a well-known street performance in my city. We became fast friends, and then lovers. Upon getting to know him I could tell he was "skittish" like an abused animal. Relatively easy to push around. Actually he almost expected to be pushed around, and in many cases set himself up to be "the whipping boy". Which lend itself well to his sex life, he thrived after women who were dominant, strong, independent. And who often had no issue taking the lead in the bedroom. However this personality characteristic became a problem within our relationship rather quickly. Not to super analyze my psychological health, but at that time in my life I was struggling with acceptance, resolution, and understanding my past. Which lead to out bursts of anger, sorrow, and angst. Which you probably know does not mix well with someone who inadvertently enjoys abuse, or thrives on being a "victim". I started finding out that he was telling his friends that I was mean, cruel, and harsh. And would beat him, hit him, smack him. Which was half true. We would get into heated discussions, sometimes fights, over stupid things. And occassionally I'd push him or slap him. These stories would be turned around to "and then she pushed me into the door, twisted my arm, threatened my life" serious ridiculous nonsense. I racked my brain trying to figure out why this guy would tell everyone in a small city, that I was a heartless bitch, then turn around and come home to saying "I love you." He talked about it so much he made some of my closest friends think I was a witch who spit venom. Which is something I still haven't been able to undo since our break-up. I desperately tried to figure out why he behaved in such a manner. He had told me his father was abusive. And had tons of stories where his father would drink, and drag him out of his room to beat him. He even had a horrific story where his father grabbed him and his brother, drove them out to the middle of nowhere (which he couldn't remember where) beat his little brother and held him at gun point. And when he was done, and decided not to kill them both, he drove off. Leaving them to walk home. Again. He had no idea where this place was after the fact. (which I found a little strange) I did not meet his parents until we moved in together about 6 months after we started "dating" and a few months after we made it official. I didn't have a reason not to believe him. But I started to wonder how much of it was true based on the stories he was already spreading about me. When I did meet his parents, they seemed like a very happy couple, living together in the country with two adult boys. Just wanting the best for them. After meeting them I asked my boyfriend what made his father calm down. Because he seemed like a very calm man. He said it must have been his stroke. Ever since his stroke he has been a different man. I didn't argue I just listened. As time went on the stories about me grew more violent. Almost matching the stories he told me about the girlfriend he had before me. (she apparently threw him out of her house, set her porch on fire, and cheated on him basically infront of him. but she was poly and had told him from the start, see where im going with his personality) So anyway. I started to do some digging on his story. Talking to him mom more when we saw her. Asked his dad a few casual questions here and there. And there was literally no mention of anything. Which I expected, but there also wasn't any sideways stepping around the topic of punishment either.
There is a piece to this story I left out until now, because it wasn't important until this moment. When my ex was about 7, he got in an accident with his dad. He was playing in the yard while his dad rode the riding lawn mower. He kept running up behind the mower and jumping on it to ride. His father told him numerous times to stop. His mother even came out of the house to tell him to stop. But because he is the way he is, he kept doing it. He did it one to many times. He ran and jumped on the mower, his dad didn't hear him or see him. Threw the mower into reverse, which shook it and threw my ex off the back, then his dad backed up over his leg. He was lucky only to use a few toes.
The correlation to this story is that there are zero cases/stories of abuse BEFORE this incident.
The abuse did not start, according to my ex, until after he recovered.
And continued until he left the house at age 17.
I started questioning the abuse around christmas. We went out to his parents house for christmas day. And they went all out. They stuffed 2 stockings for him, and gave him loads of presents. For a 24 year old man, that is extensive. He told me they did that every year for him and his brother. They also made a fantastic brunch. (they did forget that my ex was a vegetarian and made meat, which is fussed about and got angry over... even though he was back and forth with vegetarianism to begin with..) His mom shared a photo album with me. I got to see pictures of my ex from age 2-14. Before and after the accident. It was evident that my ex had grown up in a typical middle class home and lifestyle. I started seeing what made him "want" to be abused. He wanted to fit in AND stand out at the same time. He wanted to fit in with his friends who came from bad homes, and the story of his father accidently running over his leg with the mower wasn't enough for him to trump the child with the abusive father who beat the snot out of him. He wanted to be the most abused and wanted to look like he had gone through the most terrible of lives. And if anyone in the room had a more awful story, he would make one up to trump it. He did it to me. If I talked about anything pertaining my mothers criminal lifestyle, he'd add in that he was held at gun point. He WAS pretty consistent with his lies. But if you put all his stories together, they just didn't line up. If you questioned his stories, he would become angry, and aggressive. Much like a child.
A few months after this revelation, and many arguments. We split up.
His inability to be honest with me, himself, and his family became stagnant
He has had 2 girlfriends since me, and has done the same things to them. He is currently waiting for his dad to die so he can get some money, because he can't hold a job. I do feel like there is existing trauma in his life from the accident, I do not believe his dad beat him, and I certainly do not believe his father held a gun to his head. He does not show the signs of someone who has had that kind torment. He has emotional pain from a barrier that broke the trust he had in his father. And him being a very clumsy person, I am sure he got hurt a lot doing things he wasn't suppose to do. I believe he was very spoiled in life, and it has made him believe the world owes him something and the easiest thing in the world to get is sympathy, especially if you were an abused child. It is sad because he should get help to get over the one traumatic event he can't seem to shake. But he will never get the help he needs if he can not acknowledge that he has invented the rest of his childhood misfortune.
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